Soul Searching

"There is nothing wrong in feeling empty... Nothing new could ever emerge without first having an empty space... Long live the emptiness - it always means change, process, life!" These freely translated words are from a book that I'm currently reading, written by my favourite Finnish author and poet Aila Meriluoto.

Emptiness is something I'm dealing with at the moment. Some days I feel it stronger than the others, but it is there all the time: room for something new. I'm trying to find answers to some important questions, mostly related to work.

Before I can start working again, various doctors are going to take a look at my case and give their meaning on my possibilities (read: physical ability i.e. my vision) to work. My own eye doctor (or ophthalmologist as it officially should be said) naturally knows my situation the best, but there is a big question mark hanging over my dream of a career: nobody can forecast how the health of my eyes will develop.

Recently the condition of my eyes has been stable and my sight is rather good at the moment. Still, retinopathy cannot be cured and it is a very unpredictable disease. That is why I need to go trough several exams before even trying to start in a new job.

The process of re-integration to work has started but it will take a while before it is clear what and how much I can do. For myself it is absolutely clear that I want to work again. Even a thought of life without work feels horrible. Work is such an important part of one's life and identity, so much more than just a source of income. I need to be a part of a group!

I'm forced to spend a lot of time thinking what I would really want to do. And that's good, I'm learning to understand how much work really means to me. Although a 40-hour working week will probably never be possible for me again, I believe I'll find a meaningful position in working life, a place of my very own.

A Heavy Week Ahead

It’s almost time to say goodbye to my colleagues and I find it very difficult. Just a few days work left in my current job and then I'll move on and go for other challenges. Even though I’m very eager to find new work possibilities, it doesn’t fade out the fact that I hate that this period is ending. It's like reading a book: I feel empty because this book is finishing while I would have wanted to enjoy it a few chapters longer... At the same time I cannot wait to get my hands on another new, interesting book.

I will miss the people, I could not have had better colleagues. I will miss the relaxed atmosphere, discussions around the lunch table...

Most of all I will miss laughing together.

Now I'm really concentrated to the future - I'm curious about what it will bring on my path. Still, the coming week will be hard and I just want to get through it.

PS. Why are the best books so often sad?

This Is Not Happening...

My mind keeps telling me that this is a kind of nightmare. But no, it IS happening in reality and I have to take it and accept it, there is no other option. I´m losing my job. The post that once was a dream-come-true for me. Unfortunately everything has happened differently than planned with my employer almost two years ago. I´m amazed by the unexpected turns in life, and with both fear and hopefulness I´m waiting for the next one to come...