Poems

During the period that I was struggling with the loss of my sight, I started to write poems. I had this need to write down my thoughts and feelings, and very surprisingly they took form as poems. (I had never been writing poems earlier!)

Later on I have self-published this collection of poems as a little book. It is in Finnish, but I'm planning to translate it into English. The name of the bundle is 'Vuoden asiakas', 'Client of the year'. If you would be interested in reading it, let me know!

Soul Searching

"There is nothing wrong in feeling empty... Nothing new could ever emerge without first having an empty space... Long live the emptiness - it always means change, process, life!" These freely translated words are from a book that I'm currently reading, written by my favourite Finnish author and poet Aila Meriluoto.

Emptiness is something I'm dealing with at the moment. Some days I feel it stronger than the others, but it is there all the time: room for something new. I'm trying to find answers to some important questions, mostly related to work.

Before I can start working again, various doctors are going to take a look at my case and give their meaning on my possibilities (read: physical ability i.e. my vision) to work. My own eye doctor (or ophthalmologist as it officially should be said) naturally knows my situation the best, but there is a big question mark hanging over my dream of a career: nobody can forecast how the health of my eyes will develop.

Recently the condition of my eyes has been stable and my sight is rather good at the moment. Still, retinopathy cannot be cured and it is a very unpredictable disease. That is why I need to go trough several exams before even trying to start in a new job.

The process of re-integration to work has started but it will take a while before it is clear what and how much I can do. For myself it is absolutely clear that I want to work again. Even a thought of life without work feels horrible. Work is such an important part of one's life and identity, so much more than just a source of income. I need to be a part of a group!

I'm forced to spend a lot of time thinking what I would really want to do. And that's good, I'm learning to understand how much work really means to me. Although a 40-hour working week will probably never be possible for me again, I believe I'll find a meaningful position in working life, a place of my very own.

A New Year Full of Hope

The happenings in 2008 which more or less have changed my life, are related to my health. Exactly one year ago I went to see a doctor because of chest pain. Nothing dramatic though, but I was diagnosed with diabetes. It was found by accident, I didn't have the common symptoms.

No reason for a big shock. I knew that I belong to the risk group and I have watched closely in my family how life with diabetes is. I don't really see it as very restricting illness.

The side effects, however, have been a lot worse than the original diagnosis. In the spring last year I had an eye-check, routine for all diabetics, and since then things have exploded. Without having noticed anything, my eyes had developed a very serious diabetic retinopathy, and despite of laser treatments and small operations I have for quite a large part lost my sight.

Hopefully this situation is just temporary. Of course today's medicine can do a lot. Next week I will have a surgery for the worse one of my eyes which has been for some time almost blind. I cherish the hope that it would then get better.

Probably the worst thing is to be unable to work. A while ago I had found my dream job, just started it, but could only work for less than a year before forced to take sickleave. Now I have been disabled for four months. I wish I will recover and be able to get back to work, even though the doctors cannot promise anything. I'm simply too young to sit at home, this is not what I have been studying for...

However, I have faith, a new year has just started, and I want to begin it full of hope!