Poems

During the period that I was struggling with the loss of my sight, I started to write poems. I had this need to write down my thoughts and feelings, and very surprisingly they took form as poems. (I had never been writing poems earlier!)

Later on I have self-published this collection of poems as a little book. It is in Finnish, but I'm planning to translate it into English. The name of the bundle is 'Vuoden asiakas', 'Client of the year'. If you would be interested in reading it, let me know!

Change

Today has been quite a significant day for me, a day I knew was coming sooner or later. I have started injecting insuline after two years of tablet medication for my diabetes. Supposedly my life will be a little less free from now on... Eating, testing my blood sugar and medication have to be controlled even more strict than until now.

Not that I'm sad or in low spirits though. Actually, it's the opposite: I'm kind of relieved and pleased that the decision has been made. No more stress whether the tablets have worked enough or what is my doctor going to say this time...

Now I'm learning to live with the new situation and hoping that the new medication will also help my eyes' condition stay stable. It's a bit exciting to see how long it will take to find the right dosage for me, and to get used to the different routines. Well, my life is certainly not monotonous or dull!

Happiness is...

...my pair of 'Reino' slippers beside a clearly larger pair in the hall.
...all the toy cars parked very neatly by a little guest in our livingroom :)
...you pushing me in the back when we bike against the wind.
...the smell of spring after a long and cold winter. Summer is not that far anymore!
...watching and listening to birds together. I always learn something new from you.

Dreams Come True

Photos: Jaakko Avikainen

Something Blue

Are you superstitious?

The groom is not allowed to see the wedding dress of the bride before the real moment. That would bring bad luck. More than in bad luck I believe that it is simply a nice habit to keep the dress a secret and a surprise until the wedding day.

Then the old tradition of wearing something old, new, borrowed and blue. You have to follow this "rule", at least I do! I will have mom's old ring, a new dress, earrings of my maid of honor. But something blue is still missing. Let's see what I will come up with... Definitely no blue garter for me, I want something more original. I think I'll slip something blue in my shoe just like my mom did.

On my wedding day I'll also be wearing pearls. A friend of mine says she would never use pearls because they predict tears. Well, one thing I know for sure is that there will be plenty of tears that day!

Despite, I'm not afraid of tears. Praying that they will be the ones of happiness and affection also in the future.

Soul Searching

"There is nothing wrong in feeling empty... Nothing new could ever emerge without first having an empty space... Long live the emptiness - it always means change, process, life!" These freely translated words are from a book that I'm currently reading, written by my favourite Finnish author and poet Aila Meriluoto.

Emptiness is something I'm dealing with at the moment. Some days I feel it stronger than the others, but it is there all the time: room for something new. I'm trying to find answers to some important questions, mostly related to work.

Before I can start working again, various doctors are going to take a look at my case and give their meaning on my possibilities (read: physical ability i.e. my vision) to work. My own eye doctor (or ophthalmologist as it officially should be said) naturally knows my situation the best, but there is a big question mark hanging over my dream of a career: nobody can forecast how the health of my eyes will develop.

Recently the condition of my eyes has been stable and my sight is rather good at the moment. Still, retinopathy cannot be cured and it is a very unpredictable disease. That is why I need to go trough several exams before even trying to start in a new job.

The process of re-integration to work has started but it will take a while before it is clear what and how much I can do. For myself it is absolutely clear that I want to work again. Even a thought of life without work feels horrible. Work is such an important part of one's life and identity, so much more than just a source of income. I need to be a part of a group!

I'm forced to spend a lot of time thinking what I would really want to do. And that's good, I'm learning to understand how much work really means to me. Although a 40-hour working week will probably never be possible for me again, I believe I'll find a meaningful position in working life, a place of my very own.

Eastern Flavours

Already for years my boyfriend and I have a habit to visit an oriental marketplace once in a while. We take the car, leave early in the morning and drive to Beverwijk, near Amsterdam, to spend a while in the bustle of the market. (Actually, I learned yesterday that it is the largest decked market in Europe.)

A day at the market is like a short, cheap holiday to a far-away country. We enjoy walking in the crowd, watching people and bargaining with the salesmen. There is probably nothing that they wouldn't sell in one of the hundreds of stands! The quality of clothes, shoes or furniture may not be really high, but you can get the best fresh fruits there.

When entering the hall of foodstuff, we get dazed by the strong aromas of herbs. Hills of herbs everywhere and all kinds of fruits and vegetables you can think of, and more... Piles of olives in all colours, aubergines in the deepest purple - it is all very beautiful.

Yesterday we got back home our bags filled with pineapples, dragon fruits, mangos, grapefruits... Of course Turkish bread and nuts as well. And this time we also chose the unusual delicacies sesame halva with pistachio nuts, baklava and Indonesian banana cakes. Mmmmmmm...

All in all it was a tasty weekend - on our way home we found and tested a Chinese restaurant in the neighbourhood. The food was excellent so we have a new address for take-away meals in the future...

Celebrate the One You Love

It is not easy to write about love. Everything I would want to say sounds too sugary and has probably been said already for thousands of times. Still, I will give it a try...

My need to say something about love has undoubtedly something to do with the fact that I'm preparing my wedding at the moment. It's very exciting! We have chosen to have a tiny wedding ceremony with the most important people around us, very intimate and hopefully lyrical...

My fiance is the number one person making my life sweet. He makes me happier than I had ever known before. Last night we were thinking back to the times when we first met. It's already more than eight years ago, unbelievable how quickly time passes by...

It's a big cliche, but I seriously KNEW he is the one for me from the very beginning. It made no sense that time, but my feeling was very strong and afterwards I can say it was the right intuition. However, there is no need to make it all look very romantic. During these years we have already been through a lot. Sometimes totally distraught with worries, like the past year with my devastating eye problems.

Yes, this is a confession of love to my husband-to-be. Already the moment he chose for proposal (I was that time nearly without sight and waiting for the operation) shows his intention to stay beside me also during hard times. And he is a master of black humor! Although my eye disease is a very serious matter, I would die without a good laugh once in a while - he made me giggle madly about some crazy moments during the darkest period.

70 days to go and then it is time to celebrate our wedding. I'm a bit nervous, but couldn't be more sure about this step we are taking. Together.

A Heavy Week Ahead

It’s almost time to say goodbye to my colleagues and I find it very difficult. Just a few days work left in my current job and then I'll move on and go for other challenges. Even though I’m very eager to find new work possibilities, it doesn’t fade out the fact that I hate that this period is ending. It's like reading a book: I feel empty because this book is finishing while I would have wanted to enjoy it a few chapters longer... At the same time I cannot wait to get my hands on another new, interesting book.

I will miss the people, I could not have had better colleagues. I will miss the relaxed atmosphere, discussions around the lunch table...

Most of all I will miss laughing together.

Now I'm really concentrated to the future - I'm curious about what it will bring on my path. Still, the coming week will be hard and I just want to get through it.

PS. Why are the best books so often sad?

Volunteer's Sunday

Can you believe that I’m writing this in a church from the 13th century! I'm sitting in the "office" of this little church and receiving visitors who come to see a culture-historical exhibition. Today is a quiet day, others are filled with guests. Most of the people I meet here are surprised to meet a Finn in the middle of the Frisian countryside in a tiny village. It has been a good onset for countless interesting conversations.

I love churches, the peaceful atmosphere and beauty in them. My mind really rests in places like this. (Although, just a while ago when there were no people around, I sneaked to the church hall and secretly sang from the bottom of my heart. Great acoustics, could hear my voice echoing echoing echoing…)

Here Again

A long break from writing... The last post was sad, but now I'm feeling great. My eyes are doing excellent at the moment and that means I should be able to search for a new job. I'm very excited and enthusiastic about that - maybe this will be the chance of my life!

Also, had a fantastic holiday and relaxed completely. In the picture sweet peace in a little paradise.

This Is Not Happening...

My mind keeps telling me that this is a kind of nightmare. But no, it IS happening in reality and I have to take it and accept it, there is no other option. I´m losing my job. The post that once was a dream-come-true for me. Unfortunately everything has happened differently than planned with my employer almost two years ago. I´m amazed by the unexpected turns in life, and with both fear and hopefulness I´m waiting for the next one to come...

A Few Words...

...about how it is going now with my health. I'm still officially on sick leave, for about eight months now (ppffff!). Both of my eyes are still quite poor, especially the one which is still recovering from the surgery in January. For a few months, I was being treated in Amsterdam by the best specialists, but for now there are no more "tricks" they can try to improve my vision. Luckily the treatment did help a bit.

There are also positive news: I'm trying to work again in very small amounts. Mostly I do some little things from home, but every now and then I go to the office (what a joy to meet my lovely colleagues and catch up with them!). I'm still not able to do a lot, so this doesn't affect my sick leave. Just need to try and find out how much I can do. This really means a world to me - sitting frustrated at home doing nothing would make me lose my mind!

A little while ago I visited a doctor whose job is to estimate my situation and predict the chances for getting back to work. His opinion felt very negative (maybe they have to keep the worst case scenario in mind??) and I was quite disappointed after this meeting.

Everything at my workplace has to be examined. The opinions of both the employer and myself will be heard, the working conditions and my skills and restrictions will be measured. After that I will hear the judgement: is it realistic to expect to work again and to what extent from now on. To be honest I'm quite nervous about all this, it is scary.

Green Thoughts

Today was the Earth Day. For the sake of this important day, an interesting happening, Time2ACT, was organised in Leeuwarden already earlier this week. I decided to participate and it was really instructive to listen to different experts telling about their work for saving the oceans from pollution and other environmental issues. The quests were interviewed by lovely Hadassah de Boer. And, of course have to mention: I even had the honor to meet Mr Braungart, developer of the Cradle to Cradle Design.

Great ideas, worth checking. We should all ACT!
http://www.actglobal.nl/time2act/about
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cradle_to_cradle

Silence

It's been a while since my last post. Just being quiet feels good sometimes. Especially now during the Holy Week, which we in Finnish literally call the "Quiet Week".

I'm planning to get the feel of Easter with watching The Passion, a BBC mini series about the last days of Jesus. It'll start within a few minutes...

Grateful

Tears: doctor's fantastic news concerning one of my dearest.

Huge things and tiny things. Visiting Finland, sliding in the snow, listening to my brother playing guitar, walking with a dear friend arm in arm, laughing hard with my parents - so hard that we almost pee in our pants.

Morning coffee, wild colours of enormous paintings in an exhibition (so massive that I can see them!), sauna, lots of hugs, a long lost friend refound, endless conversations, jokes, sauna, sauna, purification.

Happiness.

The Little Prince

As the fox tells the Little Prince in the famous book of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, the most important things in life cannot be seen with eyes, but with heart. "The essential is invisible to the eyes."

I knew this story since the early school years, but was just entering the adulthood when I got the book as a present. Have to say it has been one of the best gifts ever, it is a fantastic story. What makes the book even dearer to me is the silencing fact that the giver died, totally unexpectedly, just a few weeks after giving me this present. For me it has become the last message from her. The many wise words from The Little Prince are excellent rules of life, and I'm grateful for the treasure.

About Fear

Lately I have become scared of many things. Fear is probably the most terrible of all feelings.

Of course life is not only about my illness. In the middle of all this I also try to remember to put my problems in proportions. Still, I'm afraid of not being able to see little birds anymore, or an amazing starry sky in the night... Mostly I'm scared of not being able to work normally anymore.

I'm so afraid of becoming chronically sad.

The Power of Music

A friend of mine once said that the most important thing in life is music. I remember being surprised about her thought. I still don't share the opinion but I can understand it - life would be very boring without music.

When I was 14, I had an operation and had to stay in the hospital for a while. There are not many details I can remember about that visit but I know exactly which songs I was listening to while lieing there.

This time at the hospital my earphones filled my mind with old favourites Bo Kaspers Orkester, Don Johnson Big Band, Damn Seagulls. And there were more, much more. Thanks to Disco Ensemble, Anna Ternheim, Placebo and Kate Bush, Zero 7, Tori Amos and Foo Fighters, my stay was easier. Music can really be a source of happiness.

The surgery itself went fine. However, while the operation helped my eye in one aspect, it also damaged it in another. This risk was known all the time. Now, my eye is being treated to fix the injury caused by the cuts on the surface. So patience is still being required...

Ready: Action!

Tomorrow I will have the operation the doctors have been speaking about for months. Vitrectomy. Sure, my stomach is curling, but above all I'm happy that something will happen after waiting for such a long time. Finally!

Getting ready to go to the hospital. I'm well equipped with an audio book to listen (thanks to a dear friend) and music. Probably couldn't survive without great music: Kent, Mew... And The Radio Dept. of course, it makes me feel so light!

I'm ready. My mind in a quiet prayer.